"Everything free in America"

The Minster for Elsewhere, speaking earlier today from the ceremony to mark the opening of the recently established Embassy of The United states, here in the People’s Democratic Republic of Elsewhere, outlined the schedule for his previously announced diplomatic mission.

Arriving in New York at the end of this month, he and his team plan to hold meetings, and to conduct a series of small scale fact finding missions among the native population for a period of two weeks or so, before returning to report to the president on their findings.

Asked as to his thoughts concerning the broader geopolitical implications of the mission, he said that: “While relations between Elsewhere and The United States had been significantly damaged by events ranging from the policies of the Bush administration to Celine Dion’s position in the all time music sales charts being 10 places above Prince, and 20 above Dylan, the time is clearly right to open dialogue on a more formal basis in good faith and with genuine good will.” When quizzed as to whether America shared this desire for a normalization of relations with reality he referred warmly to the recent endeavours of Louis C.K, citing them as an example of why it would be unwise to allow further deterioration in our relations with the Americans.

The minister brushed aside rumours that he intends to raise the matter of Russo-American relations during his meetings with U.S. officials, standing by the Government’s oft stated policy that it is not the proper role of the P.D.R.E, nor that of her officials, to interfere in bilateral issues concerning other nations. Nor did he give any credence to reports that he had stated, albeit in private, that both nations are:” . . .  totally fucking elsewhere as far as I’m concerned.”

The speech was welcomed by the American ambassador, who then brought proceedings to a close by looking sternly into the middle distance and not mentioning unmanned drones.

 Memo from U.S. State Department

The US Ambassador to Elsewhere, along with the Prime Minister of the United States (aka. El Presidente) would like to remind all parties in receipt of this memo that Celine Dion is of French Canadian origin and her fame was cooked up and perpetrated from that home base. Americans are victims just as the rest of the world is, and we would appreciate help in eradicating this threat from our second capital city of Las Vegas.

On a side note, the US Embassador to Elsewhere would also like to encourage members of your fact finding mission to not limit themselves to these modest aims. There is an overabundance of ricans and other noxious, non-native species inhabiting New York and overtaking the natural flora and fauna. Please feel free to take tissue samples, or even whole children back for extensive testing. The people of New York are highly distractable victims of the State Public School system, and will not notice substantial reductions in their outer flesh.